such a beautiful song we sing

why

cant i be happy anymore? i want to be back to my normal self. the self that was happy and loved and cared about everyone. but now i cant sleep or eat or do anything. im on the verge of tears. and thing were fine for a little. but not so much anymore. even things with friends are become awful. why cant things be back to the way they were. before we went out. before i got sad. before when i was happy and smiling and loved everything and almost everyone. im not saying he broke me or my spirit. its completely my own fault. i let my guard down i let myself lost control. i left myself behave the way i have been behaving. after tuesday when he and i talk i will be on the road to recovery from this behavior. i will no longer wonder and question. hopefully by tuesday everything will be settled. or at least by the 25th. wish me luck in trying to get my old self back. in trying to figure out who i am and where i am going and with who will still be in my life.

i need a slurpee. and an ice cream sandwich.

back to reading world war z.

movies have ruined men for me

as i’ve grown up i’ve had this unrealistic view of how a man should be. and i am not high maintenanceat all, i just want something, just once to happen to me. something that seems as though it would be in a movie. i want someone adventurous and outgoing and who will catch my eye in a crowded room and smile. i want to go on dates, because apparently no one goes on dates anymore. i love hanging out at home and watching a movie and cuddling, that is one of my favorite things to do. but id like to go out, go bowling, go eat, go have a picnic, something. I want the guy to come over to my house unannounced when im mad at him and not picking up his phone calls or answering his texts. I want a guy who will do things not because i ask him to but because he wants to. Like if we’re out somewhere and he sees something he knows i like i want him to surprise me every once in a while and get it for me without asking, without hesitation. and im notlooking for a guy who will shower me with gifts and money. i want something real. i want to wake up and be happy knowing the guy sleeping next to me is amazing and what i’ve always wanted. i realize no guy will ever be all of these things, but just one is good. just a guy who will text me in the middle of the day or night to say he’s thinking of me and cant wait to see me. someone who doesnt do something because they think i want them to do or say it. i want a guy who if he and i break up we continue to stay friends. not just a guy who says it and just has sex with me. a guy who keeps his word if we break up and actually texts me and asks to hang out. a guy who i dont have to chase and ask to hangout. someone who wants to be with me over everyone else. some who loves me for who i am and finds me to be perfect in his eyes. i want a guy who means what he says and does.

truthfully. i just want a relationship thats honest and where both people put forth the effort. where one person doesnt do more than the other. where its not all just about sex. where we can laugh and joke around but also have a real conversation about life or whatever else is on our mind. i just want a guy who isn’t afraid to grow up and who isn’t afraid to be himself. i want the butterflies and the smiles and the cheesy moments and sappy texts again. i want to be the best girlfriend again in someones eyes. i want to make the guy feel like the happiest person and i want him to make me feel the same. i want to find a good relationship and move on from the past, because it’s obvious he is moving on and doesn’t care.

jobs!

i am in desperate need of a job. and then wawa calls and tells me to set up an interview when i come home from school, and then they tell me they’re too busy to take my phone call! UGH! i need a job right now. with 14 cents in the back accout, i say its some time for some serious job searching. but in order to find a job i need to drive around and all, which kills gas, which means i have to borrow more money from my mom, which means ill be in debt to her, and all that means that if i do find a job all of my first paycheck will go to her. oh the joys of finding a job.

but seriously. what is full house. and why is the little boy derrick such a dussy?

this basically describes every guy at my school...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O5td_RlwO4s

 …..and these are the girls. Pretty - yes. Smart - uh not so much. STD’s - most likely.